Barely awake and yet sleep still desired. I press on into my day feeling as though rest shall never truly come to me. Why then does it taunt me so? Dancing like visions before me tempting me to lay my head and yet when I bow to temptation the rest I crave still eludes me. It laughs and even takes joy in my sleepless day. Taunting, daring me to acquiesce to its demands only to have sleep evade me once more.
I close my eyes in shallow attempt to forge a new dream. Though slumber and rest shall not be served this night. The service seems a bit slow if not unusually so. Check please!
At times I wonder why I bother to try. I know even when I sleep I do not rest. Lay my head and sleep without dream, sleep without sleep and without release of conscious mind. But yet I try in vain beneath veiled attempt in fruitless effort. Why do the shadows dance within vision but never within sight?
Rush to dream yet unknowing tides carry thought back to mind. Swirling within, I must write. Drawn to it by nature, by habit I must put words to paper or calm shall not be the victor.
Steady as I right myself and prepare to let thoughts flow. This part of life I do not control as much as one might think. Drawn to write for silence is not in my head. Echoes of things that were, things that are and things that maybe. They call to me for birth and freedom. So I give birth to these thoughts and they lay still for a time. Until next they beg for freedom again.
Is it but a facade we write for control or in reality does writing control us? Some know the blessing and at times curse as the need consumes all and compulsion lays way to desire. It’s a personal thing and we crave its consumption. Dawning of new day brings but joy of another adventure as words impregnate the mind and once more are birthed. Our children of ageless beginning and without end once written.
Do they stagnate or are fresh eyes ever upon them? For me the duplication of self to paper is but question enough. With prayer toward fresh eyes, inspired wisdoms and a hope my children live beyond my years. Perhaps inspire of themselves a new generation of word and paper shared in an effort to duplicate self and thought.
I’ve given it voice yet tonight even this does not silence my mind. That which calms me by nature on this night fails its intended reach. Perhaps it remains as questions of future and events of present. I struggle with what I have and what I desire as they seem mutually exclusive. These are thoughts which way heavy this night.
If I close my eyes forever will it still dance just beyond reach and sleep be denied even in eternal rest? That is how it shall tempt me one last time; unable to fully wake and unable to fully rest. Or so it seems. I guess I’ll stick around and be a thorn to it which tempts me so.
Upon a day I shall find much needed comfort and dream.
~Michelle Styles October 21, 2013