I find myself with yet another day, a gift to use as my own. A curse to live and a burden yet lifted. I trace the scars upon my flesh and reflect upon the ones beneath it invisible to others. How do we choose this day curse of burdens or gift of a new days light?
Sometimes for me the difference is blurred and reality can be both or neither. Today I feel the sun touch my face as I look upon the ocean before me. Sunrise greets me with a smile, today is a gift. Memories of the past hold no power today.
Tomorrow may bring a different day but I’ve learned to accept the gifts when they are presented. I know when the darkness returns it will not be so pleasant. When it returns it will bring vengeance and tears will trace the scars and burdens once more hoist upon me. Memory is blessing and burden depending what is remembered that day.
Today with loved ones near and problems far I am bathed in morning light. The heavens open before me as the sun parts the night. It’s light dancing upon cheek and vision of darkness lifted for a moment. A night spent gazing into the darkness and for a time its gaze not felt in return.
It’s amazing what a good cry can do alone while loved one sleep unaware of your silent scream. A weight can be lifted by tears if even for a time. Why this night the darkness choose to not look back may forever elude me. I shall not waste such a day given as gift.
Today memories are not of burdens but of blessings. Memories of the times spent with my son, my family and my lovers. Memories of times of joy and laughter swirl inside and the haunting of past is silent. Today will be a glorious day indeed.
Days like today I am sure are what will cure my soul and save what remains of my mind. I need to be protective of days like this and be reflective when days return to haunting my mind. I know those hauntings will return for soon I must stand before old memories and relive days of troubled soul. Soon I must once more recount days I wish I could erase and look evil of man in the face once again.
I will stand upon the precipice of hell and look into the eyes of Satan. I will tell those who need to hear the evil that sits before them and the infliction upon me. I shall tell of memories praying events would end and as they didn’t praying for my own end. I shall tell of the day I played god and hastened my end unsuccessfully as I made attempt to end the memories of that infliction.
These days will test what remains of my resolve. Even with those who care for me close at hand these days shall not be easy. Facing terror and pure evil never is.
I promise my family and friends that while I may struggle and I may have set backs I will never again attempt to end my own life. I will fight the good fight and will try to remember I am not alone. Forgive my mistakes because I am yet weakened and broken but I live.
Many people have my back and this is some comfort. Thank you.
Another day bathed in light, wind upon my face.
Though drowning seas and lightning strike this day may not erase.
We live today for today our troubles in our past.
Though drowning seas and lightning strike the pain will never last.
Another day i breath and smile, the wind upon my face.
Past tries so hard but still falls short, my memories erased.
The future rushes forward, but still it’s not a race.
Past tries so hard but still falls short, it can not keep it’s pace.
Another day the sun does shine, the wind upon my face.
New memories replace the old, these i will not erase.
Today is better than the past, of this you can be sure.
New memories replace the old, this is my only cure.
Sometimes I wish the sun never had to set on a day such as this, A simple prayer to anyone who wishes to play god as I once tried and end their days upon this earth prematurely. May you find peace in this day and may you realize only god can take life as only god can give life. Seek your strength in trusted friends and family and may you find the strength to live as it was intended.
-Michelle Stykes August 18, 2013
To my son: You are my dearest blessing. Even though the clouds of my soul you are the light upon my face on those days. My reminded even from evil a blessing may be born. They named you son for a reason because like the sun your light is felt even in the darkest times,